Opening August 10th (and 8th): What Makes Your Pulse Pound?

I Want To Write Movie Reviews Like An Action Movie

Every action flick, no matter how bad, is described one of three ways; they are either “pulse pounding”, “heart stopping” or contain “edge of your seat excitement”. Leaving aside the improbability of something being at once pulse pounding and heart stopping (unless they are suggesting one leads to the other, which probably isn’t a good selling point for anything) I’ve always wondered how they can be so sure that something will illicit the same physical reaction in all people. Is it simply a function of speed, the rapid assault of stimuli coupled with random loud noises and explosions that causes these reactions? And if that is all it takes then I want to take on the challenge, I want to create a pulse-pounding, heart-stopping blog post that contains edge-of-your-seat excitement.

Here We Go!

The Bourne Legacy
Interest Level: 9
Pulse-Ponding, Heart-Stopping or Edge-of-Your-Seat-Excitement: All 3

If you thought Jason Bourne was the whole story you were wrong …  because Matt Damon quit and there was way too much money to be made in this franchise so of course they were going to revive it and of course they were going to use Jeremy Renner because EVERYONE wants to use Jeremy Renner in stale action franchises now.

The Campaign
Interest Level: 8
Pulse-Ponding, Heart-Stopping or Edge-of-Your-Seat-Excitement: Edge of Your Seat (cause you don’t know who will win the election)

Jay Roach couldn’t find another Republican worthy of making fun of so he invented his own candidates. No matter how bad he makes Will Ferrel and Zack Galifianakis as political animals and human being be rest assured they will still look better than he made Sarah Palin look in the HBO movie Game Change. Then again, maybe Palin did that to herself (discuss).


Hope Springs
Interest Level: 5
Pulse-Ponding, Heart-Stopping or Edge-of-Your-Seat-Excitement: Heart-Stopping

Old people get too comfortable in marriage and forget the importance of romance.

(it felt like we needed something to keep the pulse-ponding thing going)


Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones make this work for its core audience, but if you are under the age of 35 and still single this is probably not the movie for you.


2 Days In New York
Interest Level: 3
Pulse-Ponding, Heart-Stopping or Edge-of-Your-Seat-Excitement: Edge of your seat waiting for it to end

Julie Delpy made another movie. What? You didn’t see the first one? Don’t feel bad, few did and those that did admit freely it was tough to sit through. This is the sequel!


Red Hook Summer
Interest Level: 3
Pulse-Ponding, Heart-Stopping or Edge-of-Your-Seat-Excitement: Pulse Pounding, anxious to see if Spike Lee can recapture that Do The Right Thing magic even though we now know he can’t

Do The Right Thing may be the most important movie of the last 30 years and yet to this day some people are dismissive of its message. This semi sequel does everything that Do The Right Thing didn’t do, it pursues controversy for the sake of controversy. Too bad.


Nitro Circus The Movie
Interest Level: 5
Pulse-Ponding, Heart-Stopping or Edge-of-Your-Seat-Excitement: Intermittently all of the above

Did you ever watch Jack-Ass and think what it might be like if people with actual skills took the same basic concept and did the craziest stunts imaginable? If yes than see this movie, if no don’t.

Freelancers
Interest Level: 3
Pulse-Ponding, Heart-Stopping or Edge-of-Your-Seat-Excitement: Trying to be all, achieving none

50 Cent has become the Tyler Perry of action movies. He makes a bunch of them, his core audience goes to see them, no one else does and all the critics hate them. Here he gets Robert De Niro (who, apparently will make any movie now) and Forest Whitaker (who has always been willing to make any movie) to join in the nonsense.

Conclusion


But hey, what do I know, I’m fat.