Opening June 1st: I Used To Think I Was The Only One Who Didn’t Like Kristen Stewart

But Apparently The Producers Of Snow White Think A Lot Of Us Do

Fairest Of Them All?
Let me say, first and foremost, that I am exhausted. I know no one wants to hear people complain about themselves when reading about movies but I am really tired and I am 1000% sure it will effect what I say about this weeks openings how. I will have less patience with things that don’t look good. I will be less excited about things that just look OK. I will have more typos and analogies and metaphors that make no sense. And above all else I am going to be comically brief (well, comically might be a bit of a stretch, but brief for sure)

It is oddly appropriate that I so wiped out for this weeks movies because they aren’t movies that would generate rapt attention or long exposition. I have already been marveling for the better part of a month about what I elude to in the title, that the producers of Snow White and the Huntsman clearly don’t believe Kristen Stewart can draw anyone other than Twilight fans (and may well push the non Twilight crowd away from their movie). Their systematic removal of the lead actress from all of their promotional materials has been equal parts hysterical and fascinating (this is not hyperbole, Rhiana has more screen time in the Trailers for Battleship than Kristen Stewart has in the last few Snow White trailers — and she is playing Snow White!). And Snow White and the Huntsman is THE release this weekend. So, let’s see if we can break a record here — the quickest previews of all time.

On your marks. Get set. Go!


Snow White and the Huntsman
Interest Level: 6 and dropping
In Your Opinion Is Kristen Stewart The Fairest of them All: Nope
Whether you want to see this movie really hinges on two questions. First, is Kristen Stewart fair enough to make Charlize Theron jealous (to me, not even close, neither in looks or screen presence, but clearly a ton of people feel quite differently about that than I do). And second, after Mirror, Mirror and Once Upon a Time are you sic of the whole Snow White thing yet? Sure this is going to be darker and looks like it has super cool special effects, but the reviews have been at best OK and in the end I may need a break from Snow for a little while, how about you? 
Piranha 3DD
Interest Level: Has dropped to 5
Did You See What They Did There: DD, yeah, I get it
Does anyone need to say anything about this movie? If you are the type that is inclined to see this you will and you will enjoy it. If you are the type who likes catching these late at night on cable you can do that in less than six months and you will enjoy it. For the rest of you, you will never see it.
Battlefield America
Interest Level: 4
Is It More Step Up or More Mighty Ducks: Step Up
A businessman breaks the law, gets community service working with youths and helps them build a dance team to compete. In other words, this summers Step Up (usually they put these out in August)
High School
Interest Level: 5
Did You See What They Did There: “High” school, yeah, I got the reference
A straight A student gets caught getting stoned and faces a drug test so he does what anyone would do in that situation, he concocts a plan to get the entire school to have to face the same fate. The plot hints at more social commentary they I want in my stoner comedies as a rule, and make no mistake this is a stoner comedy.
The Loved Ones
Interest Level: 4 or 5
How Long Ago Was This Movie First Released: 3 years ago
An Australian flick about a girl who gets turned down for Prom and con cots some wild and brutally violent revenge scheme. It’s been dining around festival circuits for a couple of years and now gets the VOD and super limited release treatment. I am sure, as most of these kind of festival flicks are, it is at once better and worse than you think it will be.
Apartment 143
Interest Level: 6
Did You See Buried: Yes
While he didn’t direct it, Buried director Rodrigo Cortes wrote the screenplay for this story of some paranormal researchers who start looking into the strange happening and history of the titular apartment so while it may sound like ghost hunters international I’m sure he has some interesting twists up his sleeve (besides, its made by Spaniards and they always go cool places you don’t expect them to).
Hide Away
Interest Level: 0
Do You Like Sailing: Love It
A successful businessman tries to resurrect his life by by an old sail boat… Honestly, I am way too tired to even write a synopsis for a plot this trite and redundant. Maybe Josh Lucas saves the obvious material, or maybe the cinematography makes the experience on the water transcend the trite nature of the storyline but I just don’t care.
For Greater Glory
Interest Level: 3
Critics have not been kind to this epic about Mexico’s Cristeros War as the people rose up against their atheist government. The trailer looks decent and the cast solid but by all accounts it has plotting problems and comes across a little too heavy handed.
Epilogue
Nothing to make you jump out of your seat unless Snow White and the Huntsman has you all riled up (or the smaller portion of people that can’t wait for Piranha 3DD or to see Adrien Brody look like a thug in High School). I think I will just wait for Prometheus next week.
But hey, what do I know, I am tired, a little irritable and fat.

One thought on “Opening June 1st: I Used To Think I Was The Only One Who Didn’t Like Kristen Stewart

  • June 1, 2012 at 6:58 pm
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    Things have been bleak lately in the movie biz, I agree. I'm stoked that Moonrise Kingdom (dir. by Wes Anderson) comes out in DC this weekend and the other movie I'm interested in seeing is Bernie (with Jack Black), have you seen it?

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